I was the perfect parent until I actually became one. I even had a list of what I felt was the best ways to raise a child. ‘NEVER GET ANGRY’, ‘NEVER RAISE YOUR VOICE’ to name a few. Too good to be true. Today, that list is as good as dead. Hate to break it to you that no amount of parenting tips and theories will ever prepare you for the real life mom-child experience. Not only has this journey surprised me in so many ways but it has also showed me in the rawest way possible how anger despite its prejudice, can be a manifestation of love.
Loving my boys goes without saying. I would do whatever it takes in the best of my capacity to love and guide them in this turmoil-filled life. This guiding part? It doesn’t take love without anger. My honest confession? I lose my shit too. Anger is never my preferred option like at all. All because children, at least my own, have the potential to drive me up the wall. My last wall of defense? Activating my anger mode when mindful parenting can’t seem to work on my kids.
Acting weirder than normal is normal for my boys when I’m around them. I’m aware. Fully aware that a mom’s presence feels like a soft and snuggly blanket to a child. A safe space where these kids would feel and do no wrong in the mother’s eyes. I enjoy my kids’ presence no less. Seeing them completely real around me validates my role as a mom as effective. But at times, it does come wildly triggering. It’s easy for my boys to dismiss my order and challenge my authority when they get too raw and real in their crazy happy hour.
I could say I come prepared with my standard parenting call to combat my boys whenever that is. Three gentle and mindful calls. Once all used up to no avail, sorry, the mindful mom has left the building. Please now make way for a momster. Handling boys in their comfort zone is no walk in the park. They’re like little lords on crack ready to overpower you. It’s true a mother would feel deeply conflicted and terribly inadequate after she fired up at her child. I’m one.
Perhaps I’m just that imperfect mother who struggles to comprehend an intense situation because her wounded inner child takes over. Perhaps also, getting angry is a sign of hard love that’s needed for a mom to gain control and survive motherhood.
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